My most immediate family is a very intense relationship space, a sorrounding where one shows oneself a lot to the others. At the same time that it gives me support I also get a good amount of responsibilities. In a matter of seconds I turn from an agreable feeling to another one which is not. From an encounter to a blockade. I think I have won records in mood changes per minute.

I am going to introduce you to the members of my family and a short synopsis of how are my relationship with each one of them with the idea of presenting the obstacles and difficulties that arise in any regular family.

I have four children, three of them live with me and they belong to the companion I am living with now: Gabi 7 years old; Samu 5 years old and Ion 3 years old. My eldest. Josh son lives in the United States with his mother, previous wife of mine, and he is 18 years old. Our relationship is quite cold due to distance and our lack of having lived together. I just lived with him his first five years of age. My feelings in this kind of relation are a mixture of love, frustration, sadness... powerlessness... In this kind of relation I am trying to create the conditions in order to be able to produce a future encounter, but I recognise how difficult it is for me as I realise his own difficulties in accepting me as a father, as a friend, as anything.

My three little children are filled up with energy and impatience; they are masters of dispersion and conflict. I know that all children are like that. I just wanted to point out that while being so little, and three at the same time you are prone to get out of your wits easier. Nevertheless it is much easier for me to go on in this children relationship than in the previous one with my eldest child, as I am living with them every day.

My wife Elena is a marvellous woman whom I love and desire enormously. This relationship has been maturing over the years. I am aware of my strong attachment to her and our children.

My parents Jesús and Casilda are a very important referent in my life. There times I lived plenty of conflcits with them. They had to bear many stupidities while I was an adolescent. Now that I am a parent I can see clearer the good job they did with me is spite of economical and political difficulties they lived when I was a child. It hurts to know that their life cycle will come to an end in a few years time. There are many aspects of my life which I have not shared with them. Even now it is quite embarrassing for me to deal with them on some aspects. I think I am not tolerant enough with their opinions about me, my brother, about life, children education, etc.

My relationship with my brother Benji is quite warm. We do not share a lot. I am his elder brother and respects me a lot and He is my little brother, although 32, and protect him a lot. This relationship did not go any further. We live far apart, perhaps this is another difficulty to enhance this encounter.

My mother in law Emy, recently died after two long years suffering a terminal disease. We hosted her these two years and this compromise has been tremendously tiring as far as mind and body. I have lived all kinds of controversial feelings towards her. Sometimes I felt compassion towards her but some others I got mad at her. As you can see in all these occasions I have connected with suffering, insatisfaction “dukkha”, and also with desire. These are two great truths and they are inherent in each of our relationships. Everything I live contains a good amount of suffering and desire.

A good number of my belief system generates out of these family relationships and they still smell of dukkha and desire. Around seven years ago I dsicovered I had at my hand everything I needed to make a big step towards liberation, enlightenment: Beings that love and support me; beings that do not love me nor support me; beings who are neutral towards me; freedom to choose the kind of motivation to live with this people. Happily I have covered main needs such as: work; food; housing; LOVE. Physically I am quite healthy. My country is not in war. It is not a dictatorship as it was. And my mind is full of selfish thoughts.

I chose Buddha's teachings or they chose as a guide to lead this change of mine. I attended for the first time to a seshin retreat where I learned a few hints to start meditation according Soto Zen tradition. This was followed by the readings of several books on this line “of a very conceptual–mental learning”. As time went on I continued deepening in this path and acquiring a desire to share it with others, especially with my wife and three little kids. I also decided to clean my ethical code clarifying the qualities of certain values and integrating some others. I had started to work with the eightfold path. My family started to receive little gifts of peace and encounter on my part. It was also a gift for me,. and it is today, to be able to put this into practice and discover the power of these teachings. Its healing power.

As time is going on, compromise, renunciation, and other qualities have been spreading to other relations of mine: friends, clients, etc. Little by little my wife and children are entering within their limitations on this path. My children receive weekly a little talk about Buddha's teachings at their level. They are like a sponge at the moment. Their style of participating is being receptive to listening. Any difficulty that may arise are showered with teachings. Opinions, intentions that organise this family are little by little transforming. They were in the past more selfish and now more group oriented. WE are generating resources to be able to be individually and as a group facing any obstacle that disturb our practice. WE get together once a week in a little asembly to share and find solutions. Desire, rejection, anguish, laziness and doubt are similar to computer virus destroying programmes, projects, encounters nullyfying vital resources of a human being. Educate children to be aware of obstacles and offer them resources to exchange troubles into virtues is a parental job. Buddha's teachings and that of other teachers provide the necessary educational material to cover those empty spaces not received in formal education. These changes are only acquired with right effot, right attention and right concentration. To be aware of our limits and of the effort that can manage is essential to give continuity to our practice. Stimulate all this is a complicated task with myself and with my children. It demands a great deal of patience. Each child has its own character and as myself some days we feel more or less ready to the task at hand. What matters is not to lose the good will.

Any time I get to step forward in these encounters with my family I am storing merits to acquire liberation and they are steps towards the developmet of an equanimous mind free from a narrow vision.

The more I concentrate in achieving other people's happiness the more my mind gets balanced. Relations will get healthier and organised by the natural strength of love letting go little by little a mind of self esteem and integrating also little by little a mind that esteems others before me.

I live the esteem in my relationship with my children, loving them, caring for them, nourishing them, wishing the best for them, but it is also true, that this esteem is tainted with attachment.

All these steps above mentioned help to generate a mind of Bodhichitta: a mind free of self–esteem and filled up with great compassion for others, and this is the motivation needed by the Bodhisattva to work his way towards enlightment practising the six perfections: the perfection of generosity; the perfection of moral discipline; the perfection of patience; the perfection of effort; the perfection of mental stability; and the perfection of wisdom. The BODHISATTVA, gathers merits giving himself over to others to achieve enlightenment and thus help others to get it themselves.

This family work is one of the most difficult trainings in this samsaric cycle of lives. It is also an inspiring source and resources. It is in the family where you give your first steps towards others, you learn the basis to walk in the way to liberation.

I. Etxebarria
November 2000